ohmyqueen

For a couple of weeks I've been encouraging my students to drive from Fort Collins to Laramie, WY to see Laramie Project II, by Moises Kaufman. It's an epilogue about the Matthew Shepard murder - eleven years after the event. The director of the Theater Department at U of Wyo didn't even commit to doing the play until about 10 days ago (he hadn't yet been sent the script).

Well, in a pea-soup fog, more than 3/4 of my students made the trip. The show was superb, moving, thought-provoking. The trip was harrowing (nearly 2.5 hours back, and it's only 60 miles) - but I'm so proud of my students I can hardly stand it. This is what real learning is about! I'm so proud of them I can barely stand it.

The radio spoke of a winter storm warning. Look, I had the air conditioning on yesterday (or Sunday, but recently). It's not April Fool's Day, it's cold, the clouds are looming. I suppose it's a possibility. Happy equinox. Where is the snow shovel?

Bob moved in yesterday. Carolyn basically found him. She gave a guest lecture for me at the college, noticed a student I've know for years - guy in wheelchair, downed like a tree in the forest from MS, and remembered him. Later, talking about all the lost service for Kenny, and a creeping eternal tiredness on my part, she asked why I didn't ask student's mom if she "knew anybody." I did! She did! Bob! Young thing, tough life, great references, however. Sterling. We didn't wake up murdered, or the house ransacked... carpets got cleaned today. It's too good to be true. Hold your breaths for us!!!

John's son got t-boned on his bike by a car a few weeks ago by a yoga teacher. He sent her on to class, limped home, then met her later for coffee. She looks exactly like that tattoo artist on TV. They are dating. What a way to meet someone, huh? It's a romantic comedy plot I've seen somewhere. Any clues?

Our college is going to do "The Crucible" for the fall show. John will do sets and costumes, and I'll get to help. All my students will read the play, and see the show. Last weekend I got them into a play for free. Would you believe that half this class had never been to the theater before? "Gee, I thought all you got to do in college was read. This is actually fun." Sometimes teaching is a gas.

I'm Friday tired. I have plenty of spoons, but seem to just flag by 10:00 PM, which is currently not normal. But there is Good news: Carolyn's hands/arms are not permanently damaged, and in a few months, all things should turn around and allow her more normal function. SIGH of relief. Old friends have filled the house as is usual when C is home. One is happily remodeling a first home with her delightful boyfriend, studying Tai Chi, and looks radiant. Another just got a two-book contract after her agent helped her actually PICK a publisher from a list of three. Another is headed off to school for a new degree, and looking at new horizons, and grinning all the way. Another will defend a thesis in April. These folk make me feel nearly lazy, which I'm not. John is doing costumes for one play, costumes and sets for another, and I'm learning more about theater than I planned on. Teaching is a blast this semester. Tomorrow I've switched teaching times so that C and I can go to the mountains together in the afternoon. Then in the evening we go to dress rehearsal for "Collected Stories." Friday I have a conference in Colorado Springs. I haven't practiced the piano in two weeks, and I don't know when I'll find time. I need to teach many classes, and I'm losing more and more help with Kenny due to budget cuts. Soon some tough decisions will have to be made. Anybody have some spare wisdom?

P.S. yelling last week really helped!

Are more spoons, in general, better or does one want to order specific spoons? Innane question this really is not, so I would like forgiveness as well as answers.

BTW, thanks for the advice earlier this week. Yelling WORKED (at least so far). And it felt good. I ended up yelling at the dogs last night as well, and I feel badly about that since this is not normal for them and me. I think I have a secret "yelling hankering" that I'll need to watch.

There are a couple of people deeply embedded in my life, and both are... hate to admit it... driving me nuts. Any advice about how to dissipate sullen anger, passive-aggressive ploys and general grumpiness? Kindness and patience I have tried and will continue to try, but I also feel the need to create some sort of "wake up call" that might precipitate an opportunity for change before I pop a cork and make radical changes that in the long run may be necessary, but which will be painful. I just don't seem to know how to create boundaries sometimes, and back-pedaling is so sucky.

Peoples: please explain the "out of spoons" reference. It tickles me, but I don't understand it. I mean, I get the general idea, and somehow relate to it - especially after this week of Kenny complications, changes in nursing shifts, new students to get acquainted with, etc. - but if anybody has a literary reference or a general folkloric history, I'd love it. Can anybody use this? For example, am I out of spoons when, like today, which is the end of the second week of classes, a student asks me if there is a book he has to read for my course? Can I hand out spare spoons to people who seem to need them?

Dinner tonight with good friends. Two dogs shall be introduced - one just acquired by one of the guests, and one is Sidney, who is John's daughter's dog. I'll bet it's lively. Wine, dominoes, dogs and a full moon. And Carolyn is coming on Friday next!

The haze basically broke today, but you "back Easterners" might be interested to know that for the past week, nearly, we have been socked in with a thick haze caused by the California wild fires. At first when friends told me it was smoke, not just general air pollution from an inversion, I didn't believe them. But they were right. It's amazing. My eyes sting, it is a little hard to breathe, and this might explain the spectacularly rotten week Kenny is having

Stay tuned tomorrow for my rant about health care for the profoundly injured. While I'm winning some battles for Kenny, I'm not winning them all, and in the long run this very tired momma is going to get too burned out. What ever is going to happen to the rest of the care-givers, the ones who aren't quite as mean and bitchy as I can be?

How could the summer come to a close? It is, for me. I'm on full time contract Monday. I miss my students, but it's been a lovely, lovely summer. Carolyn's wedding was just about perfect. Had a glorious time working on Return to OZ at the college, including a day on the Poudre River in Class III and IV rapids (all day, wild, and crazy), and a week in DC, a lovely trip to Wyoming, and more - plays, and dominoes, dinners and books, movies and a full sense of being truly loved. Last year the idea of going back to my office was a relief; this year... not so much.

Two days ago, just as we headed over the summit of the Medicine Bow Range in Wyoming, we saw a good-size raptor swoop down onto the road and effortlessly snatch a pika in its talons, then glide off on the wind with terrific speed. And we saw endless sky, a glorious sunset, waving acres of green, treeless landscape. There is something about Wyoming that settles my soul. At least a little. I'm glad to have these memories to store, even though I suppose the idea of a bird killing a mammal is hardly romantic. But it WAS, in a strange sort of way, and certainly it was something that my mind's eye keeps returning to, whether I want it to or not.

And all that fabulous art in DC, and the show at the Kennedy Center, and the memorials. My brain is on overload. No complaints, mind you.

From the marble exterior of the Kennedy Center for the Peforming Arts in DC (eat your hearts out, I just saw the musical, "Spring Awakenings," and it was totally, totally brilliant:

"I look foward to an America which will reward achievement in the arts as we reward achievement in business or statecraft. I look forward to an America which will steadily raise the standards of artistic accomplishment and which will steadily enlarge cultural opportunities for all of our citizens. And I look forward to an America which commands respect throughout the world not only for its strength but for its civilization as well." J. F. Kennedy, 1963

I found this very inspiring, as I did the Kennedy Center. Wow, it's huge! It's gorgeous. Saw the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, the Viet Nam War Memorial, the WWII memorial, White House, and more, all in a few hours of walking. What a city, this DC.

Tomorrow my daughter will be married. It's been a wild week. I am not sure how many friends from her childhood days have flown here from hither and yon to be here, but they number in the dozens. Carolyn has arranged housing for the vast majority, found bikes for them, and more. They, in turn, have set to, wandered the city in search of museums and concerts, done shopping and sewing, and more cooking than restaurants do. Tonight, for example, we had a rehearsal dinner in the back yard for 40 people. At the last minute the cook backed out. Problem? What problem? The gang did the shopping, the chopping, commandered kitchens, pots and pans, and created (this took two full days) a 9 course Indian dinner that Aatish's relatives raved about for hours. We had Games Day with 50 people or more attending - goofing around, getting to know each other and eating hundreds of cupcakes. I'll write down the names another time, but you get the picture when I remember only one: lavender with fig and cheese. And Raisen Rum. And Chocolate... oh never mind.

There are saris and silvars (sp) and men's gorgeous whatever they are called hanging like rainbows all over the place. Aatish's mom gave me the most beautiful sari in a dusty rose/purple. It's the loveliest piece of apparel I have ever, ever owned. I have ridiculous dripping costume jewelry, and golden sandles. All the women did manicures and pedicures (now THAT was an experience). We got massages. We've folded origami for the bouquet, done ridiculous things with peacock feathers, and there will be fresh flowers by the dozen. COLOR! Love! Laughter!

This is one heck of a way to start a marriage, one heck of a good positive beginning.

Whoopie!

Carolyn's wedding is a breath away. Luckily, all I have to do is find gold sandles and suitable polish for my toenails. And write a toast, but that's already mostly in my head.

Carolyn Salvi. Isn't it a beautiful name?

I've naturally hoped that Carolyn's life partner would be somebody I could love and respect, and I've gotten my wish. (Mom heaves sigh of relief and grins broadly.)

Today is my last day on contract for the community college until August, at least for the full time bit. After feeling very confident about my teaching for a long, long time, two classes this semester have challenged me hugely and unexpectedly. I have some serious strategizing to do before I start teaching June 1! So there are summer contracts to complete, but I'm giving myself three days off before I even think about it.

I've a flat of flowers for the garden, and as soon as I find my sunglasses I'm out the door to get them into the warm earth where they belong. The dogs will help. I've many chores to complete - things I've been too tired to do properly (like tackle a nasty tax job with a new accountant, have a long, long chat with my credit union, ask some probing questions of my insurance agent, and hire someone to repair a serious leak in the roof... and buy sandles) - but just this one afternoon is mine.

There is a bright yellow and black goldfinch on my thistle feeder only an inch away from two deep red finches. It's very beautiful, and since they are singing their hearts away I can feel their presence even when I type. Yesterday there was a western tanager here - in black, red, yellow so startling one doesn't think it's actually a real bird. Not a shabby experience.

I spent the evening looking at readings for the wedding. I'd forgotten about all heaps of gorgeous love poems that have been written over the last thousands of years, many of which are hanging out in various books in my house. I'd had some books for so long that the glue on their spines is cracked and dried. The pages on others are yellowed where I've left favorites open. A few have almost no poems marked, some are stuffed with dried flowers (from what???), pieces of grass, torn pages for remembering a specific piece. There are poems on love, on passion, about sex, about marriage, about loss and about blessings. It makes for dreamy reading. This is fun.

Reading poetry is better than grading papers at the end of the semester. Did you know that one of the causes of the feminization of poverty is due to the fact that "nearly half the United States, and almost half the world, has women in it"? Oh, and the glass ceiling is the same thing as the gender escalator. Well, they aren't.

This morning, after I feed Kenny, John and I will sit in the dining room and grade papers next to the Wyoming plum that is blooming in profusion. Grades will be higher for this; I got so bleary-eyed last night I just had to quit before I wanted to. But I won't work all day. I'll take Kenny to the nursery to buy tomatoes and basil and a few other things that bloom. Tomorrow is Mother's Day; we're taking friend Beverly to the art museum in Denver, then out for a fancy dinner. Next week: Spamalot!

OK, kids, I'm counting down to the wedding too, now.

About two weeks ago I'm with my son, Kenny, and I'm putting him in bed or something and I hear "Mummm." He's looking straight at me. Of COURSE I want to hear him call me (he's never spoken a word in his life) mom, so naturally, under the circumstances, I believe I'm imagining this. But a few days later it happens again, "Mummmm." Naturally enough, under the circumstances, I don't tell anybody, however. Just my little miracle for myself.

Yesterday one of the nurses said, "Mary, Kenny said "Mummm." He wanted you. It was very deliberate."

So I think it's official. It's really happening. For 24 years I've been waiting to hear this. While nobody will call me patient, and while I cannot say this was in any way expected, I think one and all will agree it is totallyk "kleenex fabulous."

While this has been, generally, a crappy week, I will admit to being at a pretty cool conference in Vail, where it snowed gorgeously, and where I am amongst about a dozen good teaching friends.

We went together to dinner. Reservations for 10, and while they were seating us a white-haired gentleman came in. "Sir, we do not seat single parties." "But it's just me!" he exclaimed. So I just looked at our gang and said, "Oh, we'll take him, he's with us." The wait staff about had a heart attack, but what could they do? So he sat down and we got to know each other. He looked a lot like my old minister, Roy Jones, and I said something, and he replied, "Oh, I'm a Unitarian myself." Turns out his old minister marched with MLK and Roy Jones back in the day in Selma. Small world, huh? And this guy - don't remember his name - turns out to be some semi-famous liberal judge from L.A., just out here skiing. Kind of neat.

It's good. Last week I asked for several things: to meet a Live Journal acquaintance in real life (granted within hours), and to have a READING IS SEXY button. Granted in 10 seconds. I asked for balmy Boston weather, for the wedding shower to go well, for love and laughter, for joy and excitement. All given. Soon I will become greedy beyond reason.

It DID take me 3.5 hours to get a new driver's license, but only one person was crabby. Did you know there are 67 steps involved in changing one's name? It's becoming very ritualistic, this experience, but if it could be over soon that would be fine with me.

Daffodils are blooming. Tulips are up. Buds on trees are swelling. The green heron is back today. The great blue heron should be here tomorrow (they always follow on each other's heels). Last night 3 coyotes kept us up with their wild, wild howling.

Happy First Day of Spring.

Today my vice president graciously agreed to announce my new name to the entire campus via email - to expedite matters, to save me too many questions, and just because it was a smart thing to do (I've been at the college for nearly 18 years, so this will be an "adjustment" for a lot of folk).

What I didn't expect was the 2 dozen or more congratualtory, gleeful, "Hi Mary BERG!" shouts across the quad, in the cafeteria, knocks on my door with hugs and so forth. And this just in the last couple of hours. I know there will be more tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. It feels very loving and supporting. I'm downright grateful.

And while I knew that changing my name would involve tons of paperwork(that's an understatement), what I didn't know is how neat the process would be for me. It's a little like a ritual, like a kind of re-birth into a positive new self, and each step confirms in my heart the change I have made. This change feels right. I don't regret most of my former married self or that life; much was very good I think. But for the first time in years, February flew by. No depression. Many good memories. March will likely be the same, and June, and July, and so forth. I'm learning so much right now, spiritually, intellectually, and socially. I don't feel broken any more. I'm sure people who know me well can see the cracks and glue-oozed joints from where mending has occured, but hey, I'll just think of them as bits of character showing through the years, and celebrate.

I am no longer married and because of this I am changing my name. Soon I will be Mary Kay Berg. Please don't laugh at the "Kay" bit - my folks gave me that, and it comes with many good memories. Berg was my mother's maiden name. While I am sure that the paperwork involved in getting stuff switched around will be daunting, I think that this is a positive step for me.

I was married to Bruce for a long, long time. We had many good years together in my opinion, and while the end was awful I cherish the life we built and the effort we made to stay together. Not all things are meant to last but that doesn't mean I want anything less for Bruce than future happiness. Same for myself. Same for Carolyn and Kenny, and everybody else I love.

The bank owns more than I do, but the deed to my HOME is in my name. I'm going to have the most gigantic house-warming (home-warming) party in the history of Fort Collins.

The last howmanyever months have been amongst the most challenging of my life. And believe me, I've had some challenges. But everyone who sees me says I look radiant, and frankly, that's how I feel. I feel strong, and open, abundant and ready to become the person I really have been, which isn't such a bad thing after all.

Thanks, friends out there, for all the support. It's made a huge difference, believe me. Smiling a lot feels good, as do belly laughs, long nights with friends in town and more energy than I know what to do with.

Divorce is no triumph, but it seems sometimes to be necessary in order to let life unfold in a healthy way in the long run.

I may be able to refinance my home, thereby keeping my living situation (most importantly Kenny's) stable for the time being. I would like this to happen very, very much. If everyone would please send some positive energy into the universe to maybe nudge this loan along I would be appreciate. While I don't believe, generally, in ever asking for anything but positive energy for non-tangible things, many of you will understand that there are, indeed, many important intangibles tangled up in this for Kenny and I. And Carolyn and Aatish too, really. We just need things to SLOW down for a year or two, and it would be so lovely if my marriage could end with as little rancor as possible, which is just what this refinance would contribute to.

Heaves a deep, hopeful breath...